Out of my hands

I recently had my hardwood floors refinished. My house was built in the early 50's and judging from the various colors of shag when I moved in, I believe it is safe to say that it had been carpeted since at least the mid 70's. Needless to say... it was time. I was super excited about it, but the process (and when I use the word "process" I mean it in the completely loaded sense of the word) was a LOT more than the roomies and I bargained for. I know, I know, it had to be that way, but... sheesh. My casa was in complete and total disarray, and when my house is in that kind of shape, you can only imagine what my life is like. I had my OCD, there is a place for everything little world rocked. Before the project had even begun, I felt a learning experience looming.

So you can understand... every piece of furniture my roommates and I own was in either my bedroom, one of the three bathrooms, the kitchen, or my side den. (Pictures to follow). They were ripping up floor boards, sanding, tarping, and hammering, yada, yada. After about fifteen minutes of this on that Saturday morning, I decided it was best for me to just go outside and read and blog for the time being. They are professionals, yes, this I know, but when I could not find my keys and my roommate informed me they were hanging from the tarped chandelier in my den, I just had to laugh. The Tuck man and I tried to stay out of the way, but while he was loving the company, I was just simply trying not to think about the disaster that was my house.

This was one of the few times throughout the "flipping of my house" process where the project had to be completely and totally out of my hands. Deep breath. It is hard for me to sit back and watch, to have no control. Like I said earlier, I was banking on it being a learning experience. Patience, trust, faith... I guess we all have to have our world turned upside down once and a while. It keeps things interesting, and usually, for me, it is a much needed reminder that I am not in control. Another deep breath.

This, sadly, was my bedroom for three days.

And this is, wait for it... my kitchen.

 What a mess! Let's just say that there was hovering and pacing... lots of pacing.

While on the subject of things that are out of my control...

Since my last blog I found out that I did not pass my test. Bummer? Yes. Disappointing? Definitely. Pretty hard to stomach? At first. The funny thing is that I have actually surprised myself by how I have handled it. Track record: I do not accept failure very well. Okay, truth? I do not accept it at all. It is not really an option for me... until now or I guess I should say, for now. About half way through I remember telling a friend that this may be the first mountain I can not climb, no matter how hard I study, try, want it. With this hard to swallow realization I decided to take on a mantra for my test and the events surrounding it.

"In His hands. For His plans."

I was praying out loud in my car one day and it just kind of popped out. I liked it. It fit. There were times while studying when I literally had to say it out loud repeatidly to myself as a reminder.

When I found out I did not pass, I could feel myself turning inward, mounting disappointment in myself, embarrassment, anger, resentment, but then I remembered my mantra.

"In His hands. For His plans."

I had been using it all along, so why stop at the most important time to put it into action? It was easy to say and believe when I had not taken the test, but now that I knew I failed it was a lot harder. I had to remind myself... this was when I needed to believe it the most. And, I did. I do. Needless to say, I believe the meaning behind what that phrase means to me has helped me navigate through these past few weeks since my results arrived. Even better, it has become my mantra for life. It is applicable across the board. Go on, test it out...

See what I mean?

After I found out my results, I sent out a text to some friends and family who helped me during the process (there is that word again, "process". I feel like when I write it, it seems to denote a much heavier meaning than what it was designed to. Anyone else? Just me? Sweet.). Anyways, it was nice to see how people responded. Here are just a few...

My mom said, "God humbles us real fast." (Thanks, mom. haha)

My dad said, "Relax, regroup, rejuvenate. Let's do it again." (Dad, always the go getter. Lick your wounds, get over it, and take action. I am sooo much like him it is scary.)

My sister, Erin, said, "Keep trying... it WILL happen. Persistance pays off. Now you can do even better the second go around." (She knows a lot about this. She is chasing her dream and not letting anything or anyone stop her. Her persistance is truly impressive and an inspiration for me.)

My sister, Whitney, said, "Grrr. Well you will be reaaaally prepared next time!!!" (Baby Whit. The comic relief in tough situations. She always makes things more bearable.)

I love people. I love their reactions. I love how you get a glimpse of yourself and how they see you with the things they say. Slowly, very slowly, I am realizing and learning how to deal and cope with the things in life that are completely out of my control... like, ummm, EVERYTHING. Scary thought, I know. There is a grand plan in the chaos of life. There is a plan: this is a very necessary daily reminder to myself that makes the uncontrollable more bearable and increases my ability to sit back and smile, sometimes laugh, at life's little twists and turns. Life is a ride, so why not enjoy it?

Remember: "In His hands. For His plans."

Live. Laugh. Love.
-L


"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." -James 1:2-5

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." -Proverbs 19:21