Falling

I think the worst part about falling is the shame you feel right before you pull yourself back up. There is this massive rush of overwhelming emotions weighing you down so heavily that it is almost incomprehensible to imagine holding your head up high again. The only thing worse than looking yourself in the eye again is looking into eyes of the ones you love. Sometimes it is much easier to lie to ourselves than it is to lie to someone else, and so, avoidance becomes our defense. Most of this is just choppy, rambling. Simply put- thoughts spit out of the form of make-shift sentences, but behind each one of them are very real, raw experiences.

I have recently realized that I deal with my own failures and shortcomings much easier than I do those of my loved ones. I fail and it presents a challenge for me. There is no option, but to work harder. I fall and most of the time I don't realize who else noticed because I am too distracted by my own frustration and anger. Once that subsides, I move on to the "determination factor" or so I like to call it. I am determined to do better, to be better than my prior actions display. On the other hand, when I see someone else fall, someone I love, there is only so much I can do. Helplessness and confusion replace determination.

Anger and frustration are the only constants in my emotional life. Up and down, up and down. There is really no other route. Maybe it is how I am built. Maybe it is a defense mechanism. All I know is I find it very hard to feel sympathy for someone who can not find the strength to help themselves, especially when there is so much riding on it... for your family, for your friends, but mostly for yourself. How is that not reason enough?

Life is one big balancing act. From the task at hand to the one waiting in the wings to swoop in when I least expect it. Everything plays a part. The simple truth of the matter is that life has no opposite. There is no preparation for life's little twists and turns. We are forced to tread through each day and take the waves of emotions as they come. Suppressing while turning a cheek is quite often a strategy of mine. Laughing, crying, enduring and surviving have become the way of life. The best I can hope for is to walk away with a smile on my face knowing I soaked up every moment.

In the end, the deep, raw fact of the matter is that everything happens for a reason. Everything is here for a reason. He put it all here at the exact second it was supposed to occur for a reason. This and only this is the comfort on which I rely, a fact that provides me the assurance I need to persevere. When I encounter something that is so heavy it literally feels like I can not get through it, He gets me through it. Anger and frustration may be a natural reaction to situations I face, but reassurance of a purpose driven life though Him is the one true constant in my life.

A lot of what I am saying sounds like I am preaching to an audience, but the truth is I am talking to one person when I write. Myself. If anyone else can get something out of it then that makes it all the better.

Once again I tell myself, never give up. No matter how weighty "my world" becomes, He will hold strong.


"To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy—"
-Jude 1:24

"...I am in deep distress. Let us fall into the hands of the LORD, for his mercy is great; but do not let me fall into the hands of men."
-2 Samuel 24:14

"Moments"

At the beginning of the day, have you ever felt like you could conquer the world, but by the end of it you feel like the world has conquered you? I don't know if it is the newly entered workforce, my social calendar, or just dissatisfaction with parts of my life that have a constantly draining effect on me, but whatever it is, it is ever present and completely consistent.

I find myself a lot of the times living for the in between moments. The moments when, even for only a short period of time, I am at complete peace with myself. There is no sadness, no uncertainty, no restlessness, just peace. Even though these moments may be few and far between, they are what get me through the day, both the experience of the moment itself and the anticipation of the next one to come. Crazy or not, sometimes they are my salvation. A small reminder to stop, take a breath, and keeping moving forward.


In these "moments", or so I call them, I want to stop and just be. Stop the incessant talking, doing, planning, playing, eating, stressing; just stop it all. Unfortunately, the only thing I can count on is the slap across the face I get from reality when someone or something jerks me back in. I am forced back to my reality and everything that has and will always be chasing me...

The encouraging part is that I know that these moments are a little taste of God's grace; a grace that is so overwhelmingly apparent that it is sometimes too much to convey. A grace that relieves the pressure, soothes the pain, and encourages the spirit. Moments when I truly experience His grace, I know and feel like every emotion and sense got a taste of it. It is for this reason why I live for these moments. It is worth it all to get that tiny taste of Him and what is to come. Thanking Him is not nearly enough, but it is all I know to do.

What else is there?


"From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another."
-John 1:16

Painful Poetry

There was a point in my life when I was hurting so incredibly bad because of the actions of someone I loved very much. It was the kind of pain that you don't know where to go with it or how to make it go away. Avoidance, lying to myself, and strength only took me so far. When I came to my breaking point, this is what came of it.

Of course, it came in the form of written words which no one will ever hear me say.

All that I am is because of you,
Forever changed by the things you do.
I cast blame on you for the me I hate,
The bitterness inside I was forced to create.
Tear drops fall, but you'll never know,
Emotions deep inside that I'll never show.

Some recognize the wall that guards my heart,
In building that wall you played your part.
The choice is not mine as I walk life's path,
Your shadow forever lingers, my life the aftermath.
I love myself more when you are not a part,
Sadness refuses to inhabit this hopeful heart.

The chances I bestowed are too many to count,
The arguments and self-hatred continue to mount.
There is no more anger left to show,
Only sadness for what we'll never know.
All of the memories forced to the darkness of my mind,
Overshadowed by the present, times I refuse to rewind.

Nothing worth remembering, details lost in the fights,
Sick of all the crying, no more sleepless nights.
Something so beautiful, brokenness was not the plan,
No method to this madness, no name to this game.

What's left to save if you won't save yourself?


"But my mouth would encourage you; comfort from my lips would bring you relief. Yet if I speak, my pain is not relieved; and if I refrain, it does not go away."
-Job 16:5-6

Full Circle

When I stumbled upon a college friend's mom's blog and became surprisingly addicted to her posts I decided I would take a shot at it. My own blog, why not? I have enough to say, right? I guess there is only one way to find out... deep breath.

The first thought that enters my head as I begin to write is, "I wonder how many people who keep journals, blogs, etc, actually write what they are thinking?" and I don't mean the 4th grade diary entry of "here's what happened to me today". I mean those thoughts that occur, mostly in passing, which define us as individuals. Unfortunately, no matter how unknowingly definitive these thoughts may be, they are gone before we truly have a chance to find out where our mind was going. I often have thoughts like these, so instead of letting them drift off into the deep, forgotten depths of my mind, I decided to write them down.

That is the purpose this blog will serve. It will be a place where disarray and confusion will continually show their ugly faces, and when I look back on most of what I have written, it won't make a bit of sense. But, in the end, I will know that at some point in my life every bit of it made sense to me and that will inevitably bring it all full circle.

Until then...


"The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He awakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught."
-Isaiah 50:4