Your Arms

Constant sorrow and searching within
At every turn lies another dead end.
Give up on love before the rush of the fall,
Walk away and wash my hands of it all.
How can you see me if I can't see myself?
How can you love when there's nothing left?

It feels like home wrapped up in your arms.
Draw me near.
Dry my tears.
Calm my fears.
Hold me and never let go.

It wasn't until I turned from myself,
That I found me in someone else.
Before you came I turned my back on possibility,
I had the wings, but it was you that set me free.
I'm at the point of total surrender, the point of no return.
Stripping it down and baring it all, so much left to learn.

It feels like home wrapped up in you arms.
Draw me near.
Dry my tears.
Calm my fears.
Hold me and never let go.

I fall victim, you expose and complete,
An enduring love, an effortless feat.
Decisions made simple, choices become clear,
My world in black and white whenever you are near.
You take me as I come, a scarred and hesitant heart,
You want what is left to take and leave your mark.

It feels like home wrapped up in your arms.
Draw me near.
Dry my tears.
Calm my fears.
Hold me and never let go...

Calm my fears.
Hold me and never let go....

Hold me and never let go.



"Stay with me; don't be afraid... You will be safe with me."
-1 Samuel 22:23

Drowning In Your Memory

Scattered thoughts and a weary heart lead me astray,
In a world of dead ends, it's hard not to lose my way.
Twisted, tangled thoughts in my head,
The face of my truth disguised by fear and dread.
I run from my pain, at every turn I find you,
Your memory haunts in a race I run to lose.
Stars shine, planets a line, I am lost in a moment,
Try to change, rearrange, to get you off my mind.

Like a shot in the dark, you have left your mark.
To free myself of you is impossible to do.
Emotions pour down like rain, never free from the pain.
I'm drowning in your memory.

To be broken would be a blessing over the state I am in,
The wear and tear of my struggles have worn me thin.
How much must I endure before I break?
Pieces of me scattered in your wake.
The cracks deep within slowly begin to show,
The pain you left behind is worse than you'll know.
My walls are gone, destroyed from the inside out,
Love and happiness replaced by sorrow and self-doubt.

Like a shot in the dark, you have left your mark.
To free myself of you is impossible to do.
Emotions pour down like rain, never free from the pain.
I'm drowning in your memory.


"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word."
-Psalm 119:28

Crossroad

My sophomore year in high school our soccer team decided on a motto. "Enough is enough; it's time for a change". You see, back then we were on the brink of something great. Stepping up and falling short had become our mantra and we were sick of it. So, we made a decision that this season would be different; we would finally make the change. The result? State and National champions, 25-0-0. It was the perfect season, not only because we went undefeated, but because we accomplished what we set out to do and that was an amazing feeling. There are not many moments that I can look back on like the ones I had during that soccer season.

At this particular juncture in my life this pivotal experience from my past has come back to haunt me because this time I have not been so lucky as to encounter the "perfect season". I am 24 years old and living in Memphis, the city where I grew up. I own my own house and I have an amazing job with endless potential to grow and move up. I am surrounded by friends I have known my whole life, others that are just a car ride away, and practically my entire family, both sides. Perfect scenario right? The only problem is I still have not been able to find my happy place. I am like Happy Gilmore pre-Chubbs. Club throwing, old man fighting, jumping into lakes to find my only ball kind of frustration. Sure, there are definitely moments when I find joy in those around me and the experiences I gain from my life, but ultimately, I find myself wanting. It is only recently that I realized that this point in my life is much like our soccer season, only this time I am flying solo. I am stepping up and falling short time and time again when it comes to one very important thing, my happiness. I am on the brink of greatness...

I have to make a choice. I am standing at a crossroad. To my left, a fully paved, perfectly worn road flanked with sidewalks for my protection. It includes the life I currently lead full of "potential" happiness. And to my right is my road less traveled. The unknown. The adventure. It is a twist my ankle, skin my knee, cobble stone path disclosed by weeds, ivy, and over-hanging trees so much so that I can not see further than the twenty or so feet in front of me. I do not know what is down this road, but maybe that's the point.

To the left or to the right?

Security or adventure?

A steady hand or a leap of faith?

What will it be? Which path will I choose?

This is my crossroad. Now all I have to do is make a choice.





"This is what the LORD says: "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls..."
-Jeremiah 6:16

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
-Jeremiah 29:11-13

Falling

I think the worst part about falling is the shame you feel right before you pull yourself back up. There is this massive rush of overwhelming emotions weighing you down so heavily that it is almost incomprehensible to imagine holding your head up high again. The only thing worse than looking yourself in the eye again is looking into eyes of the ones you love. Sometimes it is much easier to lie to ourselves than it is to lie to someone else, and so, avoidance becomes our defense. Most of this is just choppy, rambling. Simply put- thoughts spit out of the form of make-shift sentences, but behind each one of them are very real, raw experiences.

I have recently realized that I deal with my own failures and shortcomings much easier than I do those of my loved ones. I fail and it presents a challenge for me. There is no option, but to work harder. I fall and most of the time I don't realize who else noticed because I am too distracted by my own frustration and anger. Once that subsides, I move on to the "determination factor" or so I like to call it. I am determined to do better, to be better than my prior actions display. On the other hand, when I see someone else fall, someone I love, there is only so much I can do. Helplessness and confusion replace determination.

Anger and frustration are the only constants in my emotional life. Up and down, up and down. There is really no other route. Maybe it is how I am built. Maybe it is a defense mechanism. All I know is I find it very hard to feel sympathy for someone who can not find the strength to help themselves, especially when there is so much riding on it... for your family, for your friends, but mostly for yourself. How is that not reason enough?

Life is one big balancing act. From the task at hand to the one waiting in the wings to swoop in when I least expect it. Everything plays a part. The simple truth of the matter is that life has no opposite. There is no preparation for life's little twists and turns. We are forced to tread through each day and take the waves of emotions as they come. Suppressing while turning a cheek is quite often a strategy of mine. Laughing, crying, enduring and surviving have become the way of life. The best I can hope for is to walk away with a smile on my face knowing I soaked up every moment.

In the end, the deep, raw fact of the matter is that everything happens for a reason. Everything is here for a reason. He put it all here at the exact second it was supposed to occur for a reason. This and only this is the comfort on which I rely, a fact that provides me the assurance I need to persevere. When I encounter something that is so heavy it literally feels like I can not get through it, He gets me through it. Anger and frustration may be a natural reaction to situations I face, but reassurance of a purpose driven life though Him is the one true constant in my life.

A lot of what I am saying sounds like I am preaching to an audience, but the truth is I am talking to one person when I write. Myself. If anyone else can get something out of it then that makes it all the better.

Once again I tell myself, never give up. No matter how weighty "my world" becomes, He will hold strong.


"To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy—"
-Jude 1:24

"...I am in deep distress. Let us fall into the hands of the LORD, for his mercy is great; but do not let me fall into the hands of men."
-2 Samuel 24:14

"Moments"

At the beginning of the day, have you ever felt like you could conquer the world, but by the end of it you feel like the world has conquered you? I don't know if it is the newly entered workforce, my social calendar, or just dissatisfaction with parts of my life that have a constantly draining effect on me, but whatever it is, it is ever present and completely consistent.

I find myself a lot of the times living for the in between moments. The moments when, even for only a short period of time, I am at complete peace with myself. There is no sadness, no uncertainty, no restlessness, just peace. Even though these moments may be few and far between, they are what get me through the day, both the experience of the moment itself and the anticipation of the next one to come. Crazy or not, sometimes they are my salvation. A small reminder to stop, take a breath, and keeping moving forward.


In these "moments", or so I call them, I want to stop and just be. Stop the incessant talking, doing, planning, playing, eating, stressing; just stop it all. Unfortunately, the only thing I can count on is the slap across the face I get from reality when someone or something jerks me back in. I am forced back to my reality and everything that has and will always be chasing me...

The encouraging part is that I know that these moments are a little taste of God's grace; a grace that is so overwhelmingly apparent that it is sometimes too much to convey. A grace that relieves the pressure, soothes the pain, and encourages the spirit. Moments when I truly experience His grace, I know and feel like every emotion and sense got a taste of it. It is for this reason why I live for these moments. It is worth it all to get that tiny taste of Him and what is to come. Thanking Him is not nearly enough, but it is all I know to do.

What else is there?


"From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another."
-John 1:16

Painful Poetry

There was a point in my life when I was hurting so incredibly bad because of the actions of someone I loved very much. It was the kind of pain that you don't know where to go with it or how to make it go away. Avoidance, lying to myself, and strength only took me so far. When I came to my breaking point, this is what came of it.

Of course, it came in the form of written words which no one will ever hear me say.

All that I am is because of you,
Forever changed by the things you do.
I cast blame on you for the me I hate,
The bitterness inside I was forced to create.
Tear drops fall, but you'll never know,
Emotions deep inside that I'll never show.

Some recognize the wall that guards my heart,
In building that wall you played your part.
The choice is not mine as I walk life's path,
Your shadow forever lingers, my life the aftermath.
I love myself more when you are not a part,
Sadness refuses to inhabit this hopeful heart.

The chances I bestowed are too many to count,
The arguments and self-hatred continue to mount.
There is no more anger left to show,
Only sadness for what we'll never know.
All of the memories forced to the darkness of my mind,
Overshadowed by the present, times I refuse to rewind.

Nothing worth remembering, details lost in the fights,
Sick of all the crying, no more sleepless nights.
Something so beautiful, brokenness was not the plan,
No method to this madness, no name to this game.

What's left to save if you won't save yourself?


"But my mouth would encourage you; comfort from my lips would bring you relief. Yet if I speak, my pain is not relieved; and if I refrain, it does not go away."
-Job 16:5-6

Full Circle

When I stumbled upon a college friend's mom's blog and became surprisingly addicted to her posts I decided I would take a shot at it. My own blog, why not? I have enough to say, right? I guess there is only one way to find out... deep breath.

The first thought that enters my head as I begin to write is, "I wonder how many people who keep journals, blogs, etc, actually write what they are thinking?" and I don't mean the 4th grade diary entry of "here's what happened to me today". I mean those thoughts that occur, mostly in passing, which define us as individuals. Unfortunately, no matter how unknowingly definitive these thoughts may be, they are gone before we truly have a chance to find out where our mind was going. I often have thoughts like these, so instead of letting them drift off into the deep, forgotten depths of my mind, I decided to write them down.

That is the purpose this blog will serve. It will be a place where disarray and confusion will continually show their ugly faces, and when I look back on most of what I have written, it won't make a bit of sense. But, in the end, I will know that at some point in my life every bit of it made sense to me and that will inevitably bring it all full circle.

Until then...


"The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He awakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught."
-Isaiah 50:4