Falling

I think the worst part about falling is the shame you feel right before you pull yourself back up. There is this massive rush of overwhelming emotions weighing you down so heavily that it is almost incomprehensible to imagine holding your head up high again. The only thing worse than looking yourself in the eye again is looking into eyes of the ones you love. Sometimes it is much easier to lie to ourselves than it is to lie to someone else, and so, avoidance becomes our defense. Most of this is just choppy, rambling. Simply put- thoughts spit out of the form of make-shift sentences, but behind each one of them are very real, raw experiences.

I have recently realized that I deal with my own failures and shortcomings much easier than I do those of my loved ones. I fail and it presents a challenge for me. There is no option, but to work harder. I fall and most of the time I don't realize who else noticed because I am too distracted by my own frustration and anger. Once that subsides, I move on to the "determination factor" or so I like to call it. I am determined to do better, to be better than my prior actions display. On the other hand, when I see someone else fall, someone I love, there is only so much I can do. Helplessness and confusion replace determination.

Anger and frustration are the only constants in my emotional life. Up and down, up and down. There is really no other route. Maybe it is how I am built. Maybe it is a defense mechanism. All I know is I find it very hard to feel sympathy for someone who can not find the strength to help themselves, especially when there is so much riding on it... for your family, for your friends, but mostly for yourself. How is that not reason enough?

Life is one big balancing act. From the task at hand to the one waiting in the wings to swoop in when I least expect it. Everything plays a part. The simple truth of the matter is that life has no opposite. There is no preparation for life's little twists and turns. We are forced to tread through each day and take the waves of emotions as they come. Suppressing while turning a cheek is quite often a strategy of mine. Laughing, crying, enduring and surviving have become the way of life. The best I can hope for is to walk away with a smile on my face knowing I soaked up every moment.

In the end, the deep, raw fact of the matter is that everything happens for a reason. Everything is here for a reason. He put it all here at the exact second it was supposed to occur for a reason. This and only this is the comfort on which I rely, a fact that provides me the assurance I need to persevere. When I encounter something that is so heavy it literally feels like I can not get through it, He gets me through it. Anger and frustration may be a natural reaction to situations I face, but reassurance of a purpose driven life though Him is the one true constant in my life.

A lot of what I am saying sounds like I am preaching to an audience, but the truth is I am talking to one person when I write. Myself. If anyone else can get something out of it then that makes it all the better.

Once again I tell myself, never give up. No matter how weighty "my world" becomes, He will hold strong.


"To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy—"
-Jude 1:24

"...I am in deep distress. Let us fall into the hands of the LORD, for his mercy is great; but do not let me fall into the hands of men."
-2 Samuel 24:14